OK, I have been avoiding it, but my "45" Birthday is coming upon me in 3 weeks. I am so surprised by it, not that I didn't know it was coming more like where have the last 20 years gone? Sometimes, I feel as if I am still 22 years old and finally on my own, and then the next thing I know I am 45 years old.

I have had relationships crash and burn, I have lost some friends along the way, and some lovers, when do you realize you are not in a sitcom anymore? This may sound strange to some people, but seriously look at your life, have you ever thought you were on show? That someone was filming your life 24/7? Especially now, with reality TV taking over or really taken over the airwaves? When I was in college it was 1983, and MTV was "new" and we thought how cool is that? Our favorite songs with visual explanations of how we would imagine that song ( or not), I remember watching Madonna in the "like a Virgin" Video and then the very sexual performance on the MTV awards show. What did you think? Or "Billy Jean" or "Beat It" Michael Jackson? When I was "clubbing" it, those songs were huge and all over the D's turn table.

Those songs bring back memories to myself some good, some not so good. When you are in your 20's you think there is time for this and that, now that I am hitting "45" I wonder what in my life is going to change? How have I changed since 1987? I have lived on my own or with roommates since then, I have never owned a house, and in this economy that is probably best, but you must ask yourself is this it? Will I ever own anything? We move it seems every year or two when does it stop, what exactly am I looking for, to make me settle down? Right now, we do live in "Starrs Hollow" isn't that where we wanted to be? Or was that another illusion in my own mind in order to keep moving? Now, I am stressing am I going to lose another job? Am I going to be "laid off" again, and if so, can I bounce back again? Or that fact I am '45' going to hard for me to find another job?

The world can say we are not "ageism" but we are, look at the advertisements on TV, they are geared toward the younger crowd, the oldest they get is maybe early 30's. I am looking forward to "cougar town" with Courtney Cox, you go girl say it like it really is. The 40's supposedly is the new 30's but that is not how you feel when you are in your 40's.