Day 16 of no job:
Today, I am a b****, I have been picking fights with my husband over nothing, screaming at the birds outside, just finding things to be mad at, when in truth I am mad and disappointed in myself. I have to work harder to find a job, the thing is, I want to love the property I am working for, not just take it because it is a job.

I have applied all over the country, and only (1) of those resorts would I like to work, and that one I do not even love. I also, think it is about time, I move up in my career and am applying for Director positions in hotels/resorts. No, not Director of Sales, I am not really a room division person, I am a Foodie so Catering or Conference Services would be the perfect Director position for me. Now, I was offered a position for Director in Louisiana, but no relocation package, no insurance and paying me only $1,000 more than I was making here in Maine. Granted in LA that is good, but do I want to take a chance with a hotel with no insurance and no flag? Also, do I want to be that far from my family again?

I am looking in New England and Maryland those would be my (2) ideals, but no one is really hiring right now, all the Director positions open right now are in Texas, Georgia and LA. The wonderful husband is willing to go wherever I want, but I love New England and prefer not to leave it. I have been trying to set up and interview with a company in Boston, who contacted me and then nothing, so I have no idea what will happen with them. Yes, we will have to move again, but this time not as far, we can live right outside Boston which takes us 3 hours from here.

I hate that I feel like such a failure and no matter what I try nothing is happening, I have a phone interview with the Unemployment Office here today, I do not know if that is normal or what, I have never collected before, and this is scaring me, even when I worked for a hotel in Mystic and every year they laid you off for 2-4 weeks in the middle of winter, I would just budget so I would not have to collect. I was not brought up that way, but with the economy the way it is, you never know what will happen. Am I being too picky, should I just take a catering sales job which means we would have to pay for the move again, and I still owe my mom for the move last year.

Confusion, self-doubt is settling in, we have to go to Wisconsin in November for his sisters wedding and scared we do not have the money. My mom wants me to go see my sisters this weekend with her in CT, which normally would be fun, but now I don't' want to spend any money, I have taken to dying my hair myself and no manicure/pedicures or even my eyebrows which desperately need to be waxed. Women sure do spend alot of money to maintain themselves. My hair color cut style costs me between $170-$190 each time, so now I am thinking of going to a super cuts or something and not my normal salon, just for a cut, I will take care of the color.

I am waiting to get my Wedding Web page on the computer, the husband is editing the book now, and then even if I do not make any money, I at least will feel like I am working toward something. I need to feel like I am contributing to something bigger than myself. This is so hard for me, I have never been without a job or at least 2 jobs. Even my father said that when I talked to him the other day, he gave me some ideas. I do feel my family is judging me, they may not be but it is how I feel. It goes back to being in jr. high and wanting so much to be liked,that insecurity and that feeling of not belonging.

Off to do some more job hunting.